Joshua’s terrible no good very bad day.

15 12 2010

Ok… My drafts folder is overflowing. I am gonna try to finish some of these posts as my end of the year resolution.

This story has been the go to party story of myself and my wife, and remains the only time in seven years of marriage that she has witnessed me losing my temper (Which I personally think is respectable). I am very mellow and this was one rare moment of weakness. So read, laugh, but c’mon cut me some slack… Here goes…

I have at this point in the story spent several nights in a row, after work, making a 4 1/2 inch by 7 1/4 inch beam that is exactly 12 feet long. This beam sits on a base about a foot and a half off the ground and was finished just in time to play an integral role in children’s kung fu class I will be helping to teach in about a half hour.
Begin.

30 minutes to class: I arrive home from work. I change into my workout clothes. I grab a cliff bar.

26 minutes to class: Loads of time. I carry this monstrosity of a beam out to my van. I begin a complicated game of masters level tetris. Only to discover that the maximum achievable distance in my van is exactly 11′ 7 3\8″

14 minutes to class: Still enough time. I remove the beam and in the process spill my tool bag that was too near the door. I begin attempting to secure the beam to the roof. The beam is heavy and is bending the roof luggage rack.

8 minutes to class: running out of time. I decide to give up. I might as well be on time. However, there is a beam halfway tied to my van. I get in my wife’s car to head to class. Just as I begin to back up I feel a violent jerk in the vehicle. I exit the vehicle to see the handle of a clamp that used to reside in my tool bag protruding from the tire. Ok. Ok. I am angry.

5 minutes to class: No time. I begin picking up the other tools strune in the driveway and throwing them out of the potential path of cars (in retrospect this was no faster than picking them up). I move chassi’s car which now has a very flat tire. I enter my van to discover that apparently in the attempted loading process I put a large crack in my windshield. Deep breath, count to three. Oh yes, and I have to remove that beam. I exit the vehicle. I am unable to undo the strap due to the tension it is under. I begin scouring the yard for a sharp tool to cut it. Once it is cut I throw the beam into the yard with all the strength I can muster, it is very heavy and doesn’t go far. I slam all the doors to my van and enter it to drive away. I survey the scene once more.

-4 minutes to class: Very out of time. Half of the tools I own are lying on the yard. The beam l just made is there also. My wife’s car sits with a clamp still jammed firmly into it’s tire and I have a crack now serving as the visually dominant feature in the front of my van… And no one to blame for any of it but myself.

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